Sometimes, the gym is like a theme park. All these people are telling you how FUN it is and how you MUST GO but when you get there you realise it’s actually just full of rusty, old machines that you’re too scared to go on, colour co-ordinated outfits and men that smell. They don’t even sell candy floss. Like what the hell kind of place is this?
Come on now, they’re not so bad once you get used to them, but here’s 30 thoughts every girl has when she first joins the gym. AMIRIGHT?
1. Seriously. What the fuck was I thinking?
2. I can’t do that. Or that. And I don’t even know what the hell that thing is.
3. Should I just go home? Will people notice?
4. Omg everybody is staring at me. It’s because I’m such a huge fat whale and they’re all laughing at me and they hate me and omg worst idea ever.
5. Well now I have to stay and do something, don’t I. Or they’ll all think I’m lazy.
6. Am I actually just lazy? Yeah, probs.
7. But what if I fall over on the treadmill and my hair gets caught in it and I fly into the wall. Omg somebody is going to film it and put it on the internet.
8. Oops, I’ve been standing here doing nothing for like five minutes.
9. Ok maybe I can just go on the exercycle bike thingie. What is it even called anyway? Do I have to wear a helmet?
10. Hang on, how do you turn this thing on?
11. Oh yeah level 8, that sounds easy.
12. Dear god no. Level 3, please.
13. My hands ARE on the heart rate sensors!
14. Is this guy beside me trying to race me? He totally is. Whatever, old man, I can out-pedal you, you’re like 100 years old.
15. FML. Why am I so puffed? How is that old man so fit? He has grey hair, FFS. Whatever, I wasn’t trying to race anyway.
16. Holy shit, how does that girl even look that good. I hate her. But I can’t stop staring at her. Maybe I actually love her. Oh god she saw me.
17. Am I supposed to smile at people? Are we allowed to talk? Or even make eye contact?
18. I should go into the weights area. Squatting is what all the cool girls do, right?
19. There sure are a lot of guys over there though. I bet they all smell. Gross. I’ll stay here.
20. Oh, that one has nice muscly arms. Ok, I’ll go.
21. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. WHAT EVEN ARE THESE THINGS.
22. I should do a class. That looks easy. You just have to step there, kick there, 1, 2, 1, 2. Easy peasy.
23. I’ll go at the back though. Just in case. Damnit, now I can’t see.
24. Ok well this sure looked easier than it actually is.
25. Also, why didn’t I get the note about colour co-ordinating my outfit?
26. OMFG what is this? A Broadway audition? Who are you people? Britney’s back-up dancers?
27. Should I keep flailing my arms around or actually just stop? I should just stop.
28. Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?
29. Damn, there goes another girl babe. That’s not even fair.
30. Fine, I’ll try again tomorrow.