Ah, that familiar feeling of not being able to breathe when your pants are done up. That moment when you realise all of your favourite clothes have been in the back of your wardrobe for several weeks because they’re too uncomfortable to wear. That moment when you throw your phone across the room because you just can’t get a damn good selfie without your extra chin making an appearance. Who even are you, chin? WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Putting on weight, or putting weight back on, is a gradual thing. I suppose just like losing it. But it’s something that creeps up on you until one day a massive hole rips in the crotch of your fave jeans and next thing you know you’re sitting on the bathroom floor next to your scales crying into a bowl of ice cream wailing ‘why meeeeee?’. Maybe you’re wearing Hello Kitty trackpants. Maybe you’re even listening to Celine Dion. I don’t know. How should I know? Stop looking at me!
K fiiiine. I do know. Because in the past year since I moved back to New Zealand I have slowly been putting back on some of the weight I had lost. Probs about 8 to 10kg-ish. It fluctuates.
I really want to blame someone/something for this. Like because my job is so busy or maybe I’ll just blame New Zealand in general because it’s not as fitness cra’y as Aussie. Or maybe it’s my workmates’ fault for baking such delicious cakes all the time. Those barstards.
But, no. I have absolutely zero disillusions about how it happened. I’m totally in support of being able to eat whatever you want whenever you want it, but I also believe in making good choices. Makin’ good choices is not what Lisa has been doin’. Na uh. Gimme dat Whittakers. Basically I’ve just eaten way too much crap. I’ve been mowing back chocolate like almost every day, to be honest, and I’m not proud of that. This is like confession time. I’m Lisa and I bloody can’t stop eating chocolate. Holy effing shit someone stop me please.
I never even used to like chocolate that much. I used to favour chips and dip over anything else. That’s not really that good for you either but, in my opinion, it’s not as addictive as sugary stuff. That shit is like crack, yo. Not that I’ve ever tried crack. But should I? Will it make me skinny? Only kidding… *shifty eyes*.
As I said in my catch-up post, I am not completely horrendously upset about it. It’s happened and I’m taking responsibility for why, but holy shiz I’m ready to make it go away again. PLEASE SOMEONE CUT THIS SLICE OF FAT OFF ME RIGHT NOW.
It feels like absolute crap that I have gone and done to myself EXACTLY what I promised myself I would never do again. I hate that I have a wardrobe full of pretty skirts but there ain’t no way I’m putting them on because somebody will see my huge fat legs. Other clothes that were previously baggy are now back to being snug and I feel like I can’t breathe properly when I’m sitting down most of the time. And for the love of modesty – I must, I must, I must NOT increase my bust because those damn twins are practically bursting out of my gym clothes. GO AWAY GIANT BOOBIES! (Sorry, Adam).
I feel very lucky though. Unlike Fat Lisa from before, I KNOW I can get fit again and drop this cosy extra layer because I’ve done it before. Yes! I can do it! *cheerleader kicks*. One major bonus is that I haven’t stopped going to the gym and lifting weights so I definitely still have that habit, and my muscles are still there but they’re just hiding under a polar bear-thick layer of smoosh. I also have learnt that it doesn’t matter if I keep exercising, it’s all about the eats, bro. *spirit fingers*
I like to share wonderful, motivating advice on how to get fit and stuff. But trying to take my own advice is mostly futile. Because Motivated Lisa is like ‘wahoo let’s get fit, let’s eat spinach and burn all the ice cream!’. Then Unmotivated Lisa is like ‘don’t be ridiculous, Motivated Lisa, you can’t burn ice cream. We may as well just eat it’.
That’s what I’m up against. But I went for a run today and I didn’t even eat any chocolate, so that’s a start. I just need to set some new goals and then punch Unmotivated Lisa in the kidneys and everything will be fine.