It’s less than a week until I try on wedding dresses for the first time.
OK well it’s sort of the first time. I’ve had two mini wedding dress experiences so far. And I mean mini experiences, not mini dresses. I’m not a fucking gypsy.
I tried on a couple of second-hand dresses at a wedding garage sale event last year. But that doesn’t count because the two OK-ish options I had to try looked awful on me and I’ve blocked that memory from my mind. (never happened lalalalalala not listening)
I also tried on some dresses in a Melbourne bridal shop, which was full of sparkly poofy wonders and not the classy number I have in mind, so I’m pretending that didn’t happen either.
Girl got dreams k?
Anyway this is the real shizzin’ deal. My mum is even flying up to meet me in Wellington for the event. I suspect we’ll drink champagne, attempt to take sneaky photos in the change rooms, I’ll throw at least seven tantrums and without doubt I’ll inadvertently choose the most expensive dress in every shop we visit.
Did you know that you’re not allowed to take photos of dresses in bridal shops? To stop you from taking the designs elsewhere to be made, I suspect. Because it’s not like you can find the pictures on the internet or anything…
But my problems are bigger than this right now. Like literally bigger. You may recall my blog post last year that hinted at my excessive chocolate eating and subsequent weight gain? (read about that here) Woopsie daisy *cute shrug*.
So allow me to present to you, my #bridebody mission.
It’s also important for you to know that it took me a long time to come up with that hashtag.
Seriously though, the ‘shredding for the wedding’ thing is so shit and it just reminds me of grated cheese? Which is obviously no longer on the menu for this bootylicious bride-to-be.
I just couldn’t bear to name my mission after grated cheese, so #bridebody it is. Obviously it had to be a hashtag because I’m super hip and cool *nail painting emoji*.
I’m sure the feminist body positive activist in me would actually protest that, like the ‘bikini body’, any body can be a #bridebody.
No doubt that same activist would also detest degrading music that speaks of bitches and hoez and ass, but hey me and Lil Wayne get down at the gym. You can’t be perfect all the time.
Let me just break it down though, so I don’t feel so guilty.
I’m going to be a bride. I want to look good at my wedding. K? So, in conclusion: #bridebody
So far, I’ve found it useful to yell ‘HASHTAG BRIDE BODY’ at people when they try to offer me delicious baked goods and then look at me like I’m a self-righteous hag when I decline.
Instead they offer a knowing look and understanding smile, because society’s expectations approve. Great work, Lisa.
I technically started my mission at the beginning of the year and I now have only a couple of days before dress try-ons and measurements.
Our wedding isn’t until November, but apparently it takes at least six months to throw a wedding dress together. You don’t get that kind of leeway in a toilet paper dress-making competition so the damn thing better be good, I say.
If you’re wondering, excluding the dessert party I had for The Bachelor NZ finale episode this week, it’s going great so far. I’ve lost some weight and I’m feeling bae. Obviously I’ll be telling the dressmaker to pull it in a couple of inches though cos I’m bound to be supermodel skinny by November. Lol.
So that’s the situation. More #bridebody updates to come. Kbye.